Valentine (2001) Review

"Roses are red, violets are blue, they'll need dental records to identify you."

-Dorothy Wheeler

A group of friends start receiving violent cards in the mail as Valentine's Day approaches.  When the friends start dying off, they start to suspect a young boy they bullied in middle school is responsible, but they have no idea what he looks like anymore.  Is he one of their boyfriends?  One of the many creeps that have hit on them?  Or someone else entirely?

What Works:

This is a holiday-themed slasher movie.  I've seen plenty of these movies and I always appreciate when they fully commit to the holiday.  If they don't why bother?  Valentine does this in spades.  Valentine's Day is a key component of the plot and the themes of love and having a date are prevalent.  The 3rd act takes place at a Valentine's Day party.  Say what you will about this movie, but at least they committed to the bit.

There are a couple of fun death scenes.  Early on, we get a chase scene in a morgue and the victim tries hiding in a body bag.  It's fun, even if it doesn't make a ton of sense.  There is also a kill where the killer, who wears a Cupid mask, kills someone with a bow and arrow.  Finally, there is an elaborate death involving a drill and a hot tub.  A few more awesome kills would have been appreciated, but there were a few good ones.

Finally, David Boreanaz does his best as Adam with the material he is given.  He is the only believable and likable character in the film and he's trying.

What Sucks:

Apart from Adam, every single character in this movie sucks.  All of the men are major creeps and the women are either unlikable or boring.  There's no one to care about.  I wanted most of them to die.  That's not necessarily a bad thing in a slasher movie.  Sometimes it's fun to root for awful characters to die, but they never take the awfulness of the characters to cartoonish levels.  Instead it's just dull.

I've seen Marley Shelton and Denise Richards give good performances, but they are both awful here.  Their performances are straight-to-video quality.  Yeah, their characters suck, but they could put a little charisma into their roles.

The big reveal about the killer doesn't make any sense.  They manage to frame another character as the killer, but I have no idea how they pulled that off and the movie never explains it to us.

Valentine is a rip-off of Scream with none of the cleverness or craft, but at the same time, it also feels like a late-80's slasher.  If this movie had been made 15 years earlier, it would probably be more enjoyable, but having it as an early 2000's film just makes it seem more embarrassing.

Verdict:

While Valentine commits to its premise and has a couple of fun kills, the story doesn't make much sense, the characters and acting mostly suck, and it feels like it was made 15 years too late.  This one is not worth your time.

 3/10: Really Bad