How to Survive a Horror Movie Master List
This is the Master List of rules from my podcast, "How to Survive a Horror Movie". Updated through Episode 59, Leprechaun 4: In Space.
#1. Know That You Are In A Horror Movie
This can be on a meta-level like Randy from Scream, where you call out that the situation you are in is like something out of a horror movie. This can also be on the level where you simply recognize that something strange is going on. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to leave the area immediately, it just means you need to be on your guard and keep a weather eye.
via GIPHY
#2. Constant Vigilance
Once you recognize that you are indeed in a horror movie, you have to keep your guard up. Stay on your toes, don't turn your back on the killer, don't get drunk, do drugs, or have sex. Basically, don't let yourself get distracted in a life-or-death situation.
via GIPHY
#3. Do Your Damn Job, but Don't Die in the Process
Follow the procedures and don't cut corners. This mainly applies to police officers when it comes to horror movies, but being lazy or bad at your job is a good way to get yourself and others killed.
On the flip side, your job isn't worth your life. Once you find yourself getting into a dangerous situation for a pay check, it may be time to quit without giving notice.
via GIPHY
#4. Don't Be A Menace
Don't commit crimes. Trespassing is the big one, but basically this means don't go places you aren't supposed to. Breaking the law puts you in a position where you can't call the police for help and you may also run into some unsavory characters with a taste for killing. This also means don't pull pranks at inappropriate times. This can lead to people not believing you when you are actually hurt or in danger.
via GIPHY
#5. Lock and Load
When things are starting to get weird and dangerous, grab a weapon. Gun, knife, club, anything. You need to be able to defend yourself. And if you have a gun, make sure the safety is off and that it's loaded.
via GIPHY
#6. Double Tap
Yes, I know I took this from Zombieland, but that just shows you how important this rule is. Once the killer is down for the count and seemingly dead, finish him off. Otherwise the killer could back with a vengeance.
via GIPHY
#7. Hold Onto Your Weapon
Characters in horror movies never seem to be able to hold onto their weapons and will offer discard perfectly usable weapons after a dramatic moment. Hang on tight! Even when you think the movie is over, hold onto it. Better to have a weapon and not need than need it and not have it. It's also a good idea to disarm the killer if you have the chance and take their weapon for yourself.
via GIPHY
#8. Don't Leave Your Shelter
If you are in a defensible position, like a vehicle or a building, don't leave it unless you absolutely have to. It's usually better to be inside than out in the open.
via GIPHY
#9. Be Careful of What You Say and How You Say It
Frequently in horror movies, the characters see something truly bizarre and try to tell law enforcement who do not believe them. Instead, leave a little bit out of your story. For example; instead of saying a magical leprechaun is killing people, say there is a crazy man running around dressed like a leprechaun who is killing people. If you make your story more believable, you are more likely to get the police on your side long enough for them to see the weirdness for themselves and gain some allies for the fight ahead.
On the flip side, you have to be careful with how you word things because you could accidentally give your enemies too much information. Knowledge is power and talking too much is a good way to give up too much knowledge. Keep your mouth shut and when you do open it, be very considerate about what you say and how you say it.
via GIPHY
#10. Don't Panic
In a life or death situation, you have to keep a cool head. All panicking will do is get you or others killed. Take a deep breath and stay focused.
via GIPHY
#11. Get Out
Sometimes, when you finally realize how much danger you are actually in, the only thing to do is get out. It may be a building, a situation or just a general area. Whatever it is, know when you need to drop everything and get out.
via GIPHY
#12. Wait for Backup
This usually applies to police officers, but it can apply to everyone. If you are going to go into an abandoned warehouse or the killer's lair, wait for backup. Do not go in by yourself and at the very least tell someone where you are going and what you are doing. You can't help potential victims or catch the killer if you get killed in the process.
via GIPHY
#13. Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers
The person thumbing for a ride on the side of the road could be a totally nice normal person. They could also be a psycho killer. Don't take that chance. This also applies when hitchhiking. The person giving you a lift could be a monster.
via GIPHY
#14. Don't Go Looking for Missing People
Especially in the woods and at night. When in a life-or-death situation, don't go looking for the missing members of your group. All this will accomplish is getting you lost or killed. It's better for everyone if you go and get help instead, especially if they are already dead. Your friends will understand (if not, get better friends).
via GIPHY
#15. Don't Run Upstairs
If you are on the ground floor, don't go upstairs to escape a killer unless you have no other choice. Most of the time, there isn't a good route of escape from the upper floors. You're just making surviving more difficult for yourself.
via GIPHY
#16. Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street
We were all taught this over and over again as kids. There's a reason for that. Nothing is more embarrassing than escaping the killer only to be hit by a car.
via GIPHY
#17. Never Give Up, the Next Thing You Try Might Work
If you're in a horror movie, there will probably be a point where all hope is lost. The supporting characters will crumble here and get killed, but the main character will find a way to keep fighting and make it out alive. Be a main character.
via GIPHY
#18. Stranger Danger
We were all taught to not talk to strangers when we were kids and there is a reason for that. You never know which person is going to stab you in the face or stalk you obsessively. Don't get into strangers cars and don't go into isolated buildings with strangers. Nothing good can come from it.
via GIPHY
#19. Don't Split Up, Gang
Mystery Inc. should have been brutally murdered long ago. Splitting up is almost never a good idea. It's one thing if you split up into groups of three or four, but pairs is generally too small a group unless you have multiple objectives to complete in a short span of time. Going off on your own is always a bad call and should be avoided if at all possible.
via GIPHY
#20. Fight Dirty
When you are fighting for your life, there is no such thing as honor and no shot is a cheap shot. Aim for the eyes, groin, whatever. Any vulnerable spot is a good target. Honor is a concept made up by the strong to prevent others from outsmarting them. Don't fall for that lie.
via GIPHY
#21. Learn From Past Events
Whether this comes from your own mistakes or those that have come before you, learn and understand your history or you will be doomed to repeat it.
via GIPHY
#22. Take The Shot
When you have the killer in your crosshair, you can't hesitate. You have to take the shot to try and stop the rampage. You might miss, but at least you tried to stop the killer.
via GIPHY
#23. Know When To Play Possum
Playing dead can be an effective strategy. This can mean literally playing dead or simply acting like you are not a threat. Sometimes it's wise to play dead and live to fight another day.
via GIPHY
#24. Trust No One
This comes into effect during mystery horror films. If you don't know who the killer is, there comes a point where you have to assume the killer could be anyone, so be careful who you place your trust in.
via GIPHY
#25. Lock Your Doors
It takes only a few second to lock your door and those few seconds could save your life. Make it a little harder for a thief or a murderer to get inside your house. At the very least it will buy you some time. Even if you are home, lock your door!
via GIPHY
#26. Don't Give Away Your Position
If you have chosen to hide out or are preparing a stealth attack, stay quiet and don't give up your location. Don't scream when you find a body, watch where you step so you don't trip over noisy objects. Tread lightly and stay as silent as possible.
via GIPHY
#27. Don't Run in a Straight Line
Have some variety in your movements. Running in one direction makes you a predictable target and easy to run over.
via GIPHY
#28. Run, Bitch, Run!
When your life is on the line, move with a purpose. This doesn't just apply to running either. Just move your ass!
via GIPHY
#29. No Half Measures
Horror movies are no time to act like a Bond villain. Don't go for the elaborate death. Don't just warn people to stay away. You've got to finish them off and completely remove the threat. Otherwise it's gonna come back to bite you. Maybe literally.
via GIPHY
#30. Don't Be a Good Samaritan
No good deed goes unpunished and there are plenty of people and monsters out there looking to prey on the kind and good-hearted. It's better to be smart and alive than nice and dead.
via GIPHY
#31. Put Your Ego Aside
Sometimes you're going to find yourself in a position where you don't hold all the cards. Letting your pride or ego get in the way can cost you and others their lives. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and bare it in order to survive.
via GIPHY
#32. Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes
Look, if you're going to do something completely illogical for no good reason, don't be surprised when bad things happen. Common sense, people! Use it!
via GIPHY
#33. Never Assume You're Safe
Maybe you think it's the end of the movie and you've made it or you just got into a secure shelter. Don't assume it's all over. This is the perfect time for the killer to come back and get you.
via GIPHY
#34. Wear Sensible Footwear
You only need to own two types of shoes: running shoes and hiking boots. Get those high heels and flips-flops out of here. Shoes need to protect your feet and/or allow you to run faster. Anything else, while potentially fashionable, will not help you survive.
via GIPHY
#35. Know When to Cut Ties
If you find yourself in a horror movie with people you've just met or maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend and you've only been together for a week, you might want to consider cutting ties. You can always find someone else to date as long as you survive.
via GIPHY
#36. Cults are Bad
Don't join a cult. Don't start a cult. Don't go near cults. Don't mess with cults. And if they have to say they aren't a cult, they probably are. Nothing good has ever happened in a cult.
via GIPHY
#37. Keep Your Eyes on the Road
It's not that hard! Just look where you are going! Don't text, don't check the map, don't get distracted! If you have to check something pull over!
via GIPHY
#38. Don't Let Yourself get Taken to a Secondary Location
If someone is trying to kidnap you, don't play nice in the hopes they won't hurt you. Fight now! If they're willing to try this, who knows what they will do at an isolated location they control. Better to go down swinging.
via GIPHY
#39. Use Your Car as a Weapon
Vehicles are heavy, mobile, and offer defense. What more could you ask for in a weapon. Use it to run the killer over or just off the road. You can repair chainsaw damage done to your car, but not to yourself.
via GIPHY
#40. Keep Your Distance
If you have a ranged weapon that is effective on the killer, don't get up close and personal. Stay back! Only get as close as your have to.
via GIPHY
#41. Use Your Environment to Your Advantage
The world is your weapon and a true warrior knows how to use it to their advantage. You're probably going to be outmatched in a straight up fight against a horror villain, so use your surroundings to overcome your foe.
via GIPHY
#42. Don't Charge Ahead
If the killer is hot on your tail, you don't have the luxury of going slowly and making sure it's safe up ahead, but every so often, the movie slows down. When this happens, don't charge headlong into the next room. Take your time and make sure there aren't any nasty surprises waiting for you.
via GIPHY
#43. Tread Cautiously When Dealing with Police
Yes, police can be a good ally in your fight to survive, but you have to get them on your side first. And don't make any sudden moves! Horror movie cops are usually pretty trigger-happy. It's pretty embarrassing to be the guy who gets killed by the cops instead of the actual killer in a horror movie.
via GIPHY
#44. Don't Get Greedy
You may want to try and capitalize on being in a horror movie by collecting the cursed gold or hidden treasure, but that's a surefire way to get yourself killed. The real treasure is escaping with your life.
via GIPHY
#45. Follow the Rules
If you are given a list of rules to follow in order to take care of some mysterious creatures or the psycho gives you some rules to survive their twisted game, follow them! It's not that hard!
via GIPHY
#46. Proper Wound Management
If you find yourself in a horror movie odds are you're going to get hurt. If you get an arrow or knife stuck in you, don't take it out unless you have a way to stop the bleeding. Nothing is more lackluster than dying from blood loss because you pulled the arrow out of your leg.
via GIPHY
#47. Fuck Destiny
If you find yourself the subject of any sort of doomsday prophecy, ignore it and do your best to defy it. Either it's a lie and you can stop some evil plans or they're telling the truth and there's nothing you can do about it, but at least you tried to fight.
via GIPHY
#48. No Capes
This applies to capes, ties, scarfs...anything that can get you caught or tangled up. All of these articles of clothing just make it easier for the killer to grab a hold of you. Never wear them for any reason.
via GIPHY
#49. Exercise
Work out. Get in shape. I'll admit I'm a huge hypocrite here, but do as I say, not as I do! If survival comes down to a test of strength or endurance, you'll be glad you spent all that time at the gym. Just throw on this podcast and go get jacked!
via GIPHY
#1. Know That You Are In A Horror Movie
This can be on a meta-level like Randy from Scream, where you call out that the situation you are in is like something out of a horror movie. This can also be on the level where you simply recognize that something strange is going on. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to leave the area immediately, it just means you need to be on your guard and keep a weather eye.
#2. Constant Vigilance
Once you recognize that you are indeed in a horror movie, you have to keep your guard up. Stay on your toes, don't turn your back on the killer, don't get drunk, do drugs, or have sex. Basically, don't let yourself get distracted in a life-or-death situation.
#3. Do Your Damn Job, but Don't Die in the Process
Follow the procedures and don't cut corners. This mainly applies to police officers when it comes to horror movies, but being lazy or bad at your job is a good way to get yourself and others killed.
On the flip side, your job isn't worth your life. Once you find yourself getting into a dangerous situation for a pay check, it may be time to quit without giving notice.
#4. Don't Be A Menace
Don't commit crimes. Trespassing is the big one, but basically this means don't go places you aren't supposed to. Breaking the law puts you in a position where you can't call the police for help and you may also run into some unsavory characters with a taste for killing. This also means don't pull pranks at inappropriate times. This can lead to people not believing you when you are actually hurt or in danger.
#5. Lock and Load
When things are starting to get weird and dangerous, grab a weapon. Gun, knife, club, anything. You need to be able to defend yourself. And if you have a gun, make sure the safety is off and that it's loaded.
#6. Double Tap
Yes, I know I took this from Zombieland, but that just shows you how important this rule is. Once the killer is down for the count and seemingly dead, finish him off. Otherwise the killer could back with a vengeance.
#7. Hold Onto Your Weapon
Characters in horror movies never seem to be able to hold onto their weapons and will offer discard perfectly usable weapons after a dramatic moment. Hang on tight! Even when you think the movie is over, hold onto it. Better to have a weapon and not need than need it and not have it. It's also a good idea to disarm the killer if you have the chance and take their weapon for yourself.
#8. Don't Leave Your Shelter
If you are in a defensible position, like a vehicle or a building, don't leave it unless you absolutely have to. It's usually better to be inside than out in the open.
#9. Be Careful of What You Say and How You Say It
Frequently in horror movies, the characters see something truly bizarre and try to tell law enforcement who do not believe them. Instead, leave a little bit out of your story. For example; instead of saying a magical leprechaun is killing people, say there is a crazy man running around dressed like a leprechaun who is killing people. If you make your story more believable, you are more likely to get the police on your side long enough for them to see the weirdness for themselves and gain some allies for the fight ahead.
On the flip side, you have to be careful with how you word things because you could accidentally give your enemies too much information. Knowledge is power and talking too much is a good way to give up too much knowledge. Keep your mouth shut and when you do open it, be very considerate about what you say and how you say it.
#10. Don't Panic
In a life or death situation, you have to keep a cool head. All panicking will do is get you or others killed. Take a deep breath and stay focused.
#11. Get Out
Sometimes, when you finally realize how much danger you are actually in, the only thing to do is get out. It may be a building, a situation or just a general area. Whatever it is, know when you need to drop everything and get out.
#12. Wait for Backup
This usually applies to police officers, but it can apply to everyone. If you are going to go into an abandoned warehouse or the killer's lair, wait for backup. Do not go in by yourself and at the very least tell someone where you are going and what you are doing. You can't help potential victims or catch the killer if you get killed in the process.
#13. Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers
The person thumbing for a ride on the side of the road could be a totally nice normal person. They could also be a psycho killer. Don't take that chance. This also applies when hitchhiking. The person giving you a lift could be a monster.
#14. Don't Go Looking for Missing People
Especially in the woods and at night. When in a life-or-death situation, don't go looking for the missing members of your group. All this will accomplish is getting you lost or killed. It's better for everyone if you go and get help instead, especially if they are already dead. Your friends will understand (if not, get better friends).
#15. Don't Run Upstairs
If you are on the ground floor, don't go upstairs to escape a killer unless you have no other choice. Most of the time, there isn't a good route of escape from the upper floors. You're just making surviving more difficult for yourself.
#16. Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street
We were all taught this over and over again as kids. There's a reason for that. Nothing is more embarrassing than escaping the killer only to be hit by a car.
#17. Never Give Up, the Next Thing You Try Might Work
If you're in a horror movie, there will probably be a point where all hope is lost. The supporting characters will crumble here and get killed, but the main character will find a way to keep fighting and make it out alive. Be a main character.
#18. Stranger Danger
We were all taught to not talk to strangers when we were kids and there is a reason for that. You never know which person is going to stab you in the face or stalk you obsessively. Don't get into strangers cars and don't go into isolated buildings with strangers. Nothing good can come from it.
#19. Don't Split Up, Gang
Mystery Inc. should have been brutally murdered long ago. Splitting up is almost never a good idea. It's one thing if you split up into groups of three or four, but pairs is generally too small a group unless you have multiple objectives to complete in a short span of time. Going off on your own is always a bad call and should be avoided if at all possible.
#20. Fight Dirty
When you are fighting for your life, there is no such thing as honor and no shot is a cheap shot. Aim for the eyes, groin, whatever. Any vulnerable spot is a good target. Honor is a concept made up by the strong to prevent others from outsmarting them. Don't fall for that lie.
#21. Learn From Past Events
Whether this comes from your own mistakes or those that have come before you, learn and understand your history or you will be doomed to repeat it.
#22. Take The Shot
When you have the killer in your crosshair, you can't hesitate. You have to take the shot to try and stop the rampage. You might miss, but at least you tried to stop the killer.
#23. Know When To Play Possum
Playing dead can be an effective strategy. This can mean literally playing dead or simply acting like you are not a threat. Sometimes it's wise to play dead and live to fight another day.
#24. Trust No One
This comes into effect during mystery horror films. If you don't know who the killer is, there comes a point where you have to assume the killer could be anyone, so be careful who you place your trust in.
#25. Lock Your Doors
It takes only a few second to lock your door and those few seconds could save your life. Make it a little harder for a thief or a murderer to get inside your house. At the very least it will buy you some time. Even if you are home, lock your door!
#26. Don't Give Away Your Position
If you have chosen to hide out or are preparing a stealth attack, stay quiet and don't give up your location. Don't scream when you find a body, watch where you step so you don't trip over noisy objects. Tread lightly and stay as silent as possible.
#27. Don't Run in a Straight Line
Have some variety in your movements. Running in one direction makes you a predictable target and easy to run over.
#28. Run, Bitch, Run!
When your life is on the line, move with a purpose. This doesn't just apply to running either. Just move your ass!
#29. No Half Measures
Horror movies are no time to act like a Bond villain. Don't go for the elaborate death. Don't just warn people to stay away. You've got to finish them off and completely remove the threat. Otherwise it's gonna come back to bite you. Maybe literally.
#30. Don't Be a Good Samaritan
No good deed goes unpunished and there are plenty of people and monsters out there looking to prey on the kind and good-hearted. It's better to be smart and alive than nice and dead.
#31. Put Your Ego Aside
Sometimes you're going to find yourself in a position where you don't hold all the cards. Letting your pride or ego get in the way can cost you and others their lives. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and bare it in order to survive.
#32. Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes
Look, if you're going to do something completely illogical for no good reason, don't be surprised when bad things happen. Common sense, people! Use it!
#33. Never Assume You're Safe
Maybe you think it's the end of the movie and you've made it or you just got into a secure shelter. Don't assume it's all over. This is the perfect time for the killer to come back and get you.
#34. Wear Sensible Footwear
You only need to own two types of shoes: running shoes and hiking boots. Get those high heels and flips-flops out of here. Shoes need to protect your feet and/or allow you to run faster. Anything else, while potentially fashionable, will not help you survive.
#35. Know When to Cut Ties
If you find yourself in a horror movie with people you've just met or maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend and you've only been together for a week, you might want to consider cutting ties. You can always find someone else to date as long as you survive.
#36. Cults are Bad
Don't join a cult. Don't start a cult. Don't go near cults. Don't mess with cults. And if they have to say they aren't a cult, they probably are. Nothing good has ever happened in a cult.
#37. Keep Your Eyes on the Road
It's not that hard! Just look where you are going! Don't text, don't check the map, don't get distracted! If you have to check something pull over!
#38. Don't Let Yourself get Taken to a Secondary Location
If someone is trying to kidnap you, don't play nice in the hopes they won't hurt you. Fight now! If they're willing to try this, who knows what they will do at an isolated location they control. Better to go down swinging.
#39. Use Your Car as a Weapon
Vehicles are heavy, mobile, and offer defense. What more could you ask for in a weapon. Use it to run the killer over or just off the road. You can repair chainsaw damage done to your car, but not to yourself.
#40. Keep Your Distance
If you have a ranged weapon that is effective on the killer, don't get up close and personal. Stay back! Only get as close as your have to.
#41. Use Your Environment to Your Advantage
The world is your weapon and a true warrior knows how to use it to their advantage. You're probably going to be outmatched in a straight up fight against a horror villain, so use your surroundings to overcome your foe.
#42. Don't Charge Ahead
If the killer is hot on your tail, you don't have the luxury of going slowly and making sure it's safe up ahead, but every so often, the movie slows down. When this happens, don't charge headlong into the next room. Take your time and make sure there aren't any nasty surprises waiting for you.
#43. Tread Cautiously When Dealing with Police
Yes, police can be a good ally in your fight to survive, but you have to get them on your side first. And don't make any sudden moves! Horror movie cops are usually pretty trigger-happy. It's pretty embarrassing to be the guy who gets killed by the cops instead of the actual killer in a horror movie.
#44. Don't Get Greedy
You may want to try and capitalize on being in a horror movie by collecting the cursed gold or hidden treasure, but that's a surefire way to get yourself killed. The real treasure is escaping with your life.
#45. Follow the Rules
If you are given a list of rules to follow in order to take care of some mysterious creatures or the psycho gives you some rules to survive their twisted game, follow them! It's not that hard!
#46. Proper Wound Management
If you find yourself in a horror movie odds are you're going to get hurt. If you get an arrow or knife stuck in you, don't take it out unless you have a way to stop the bleeding. Nothing is more lackluster than dying from blood loss because you pulled the arrow out of your leg.
#47. Fuck Destiny
If you find yourself the subject of any sort of doomsday prophecy, ignore it and do your best to defy it. Either it's a lie and you can stop some evil plans or they're telling the truth and there's nothing you can do about it, but at least you tried to fight.
#48. No Capes
This applies to capes, ties, scarfs...anything that can get you caught or tangled up. All of these articles of clothing just make it easier for the killer to grab a hold of you. Never wear them for any reason.
#49. Exercise
Work out. Get in shape. I'll admit I'm a huge hypocrite here, but do as I say, not as I do! If survival comes down to a test of strength or endurance, you'll be glad you spent all that time at the gym. Just throw on this podcast and go get jacked!
#50. Don't Assume You're the Protagonist
There is only one lead character and odds are it isn't you. Let the others make the big flashy moves and risky plans. They'll be dead and you'll be alive...hopefully.
#51. Tell Someone Where You're Going
Going on camping trip or to meet someone at spooky mansion? Even if you're going on a date, tell someone where you are going! Exact address and coordinates!
#52. Don't Go in the Water
You know the best way to avoid being eaten by a shark? Don't go in the water. This applies to any place you know to be extremely dangerous. Don't go in the ocean, to space, or to dangerous ruins full of booby traps.
#53. Have a Backup Plan
If you insist on going off the beaten path, down a road no on ever drives down, or to a haunted house no one has entered in years, the least you can do is have a plan if something goes wrong. Put a little thought into your adventures.
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